A: This question surfaces regularly in my office, especially from people navigating divorce, family conflict, or ongoing difficult relationships. The challenge isn't just about past hurts—it's about how to handle forgiveness when the person continues to act in ways that feel harmful or unfair.
Here's what makes this so complicated:
Many of us were taught that forgiveness means "forgive and forget" or that we should immediately release our anger and move on. But what happens when the situation is ongoing? When legal battles continue, when custody issues persist, when someone's actions continue to impact your children or your well-being?
Your anger might actually be healthy.
Sometimes anger isn't something to overcome—it's information. When you feel angry about injustice, especially when it affects people you love, that anger often shows how much you care. It can motivate you to set appropriate boundaries and advocate for what's right.
The goal isn't to eliminate all anger, but to ensure it doesn't consume you or drive you toward destructive choices.
What forgiveness does and doesn't mean:
Forgiveness doesn't mean:
Pretending the harm didn't happen
Allowing continued harmful behavior
Giving up your right to fair treatment
Suppressing legitimate concerns about ongoing situations
Forgiveness does mean:
Releasing the desire for revenge
Choosing not to let bitterness poison your own heart
Responding from wisdom rather than raw emotion
Trusting God with ultimate justice
Practical steps for navigating ongoing forgiveness:
Build spiritual practices that ground you. Whether it's centering prayer, Bible reading, or quiet reflection, consistent spiritual practices provide stability when emotions run high.
Distinguish between what serves your healing and what adds stress. Pay attention to activities, conversations, or commitments that drain you unnecessarily. It's wisdom to step back from things that aren't truly serving your wellbeing.
Create joy in small ways. Even in the midst of difficult seasons, look for opportunities to connect and find lightness—whether that's time with your children, a new pet, or simple pleasures that remind you life still holds goodness.
Respond firmly but reasonably. You can advocate for yourself and your family without being vindictive. Use facts, stay focused on what matters most, and don't let emotions drive your decisions.
Consider reading about forgiveness. Books like "Forgiving What You Can't Forget" by Lysa TerKeurst can provide practical wisdom for complex forgiveness situations.
Remember this Truth in God's Word. "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." ~ Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)
Forgiveness is often a process, not a one-time decision. Be patient with yourself as you learn what healthy forgiveness looks like in your specific situation. Your resilience is evident even in your darkest moments.