A: Do you feel plagued by shame? Is it weighing you down? Do you feel like you're the only one who struggles with it?

So, firstly, what is shame? 

Shame is a feeling deeply associated with our sense of self; that feeling, "Something is wrong with me; I am bad somehow; and it isn't fixable."

Guilt and shame often get confused. Guilt, on the other hand, is when I have done something against my values that may negatively impact someone else; e.g., "I DID something wrong/bad."

If I am the problem, how do I fix that? If I believe something is inherently flawed in the fabric of my being, that feels more hopeless. That is shame. If I have done something against my values, I can work to repair the damage and do something differently going forward.

Shame wants you to feel alone and like you're inherently flawed. to keep us disconnected from God, ourselves, each other, the truth – in short, who we are created to be.

Curt Thompson, in his book The Soul of Shame, describes how shame is a weapon evil has wielded since Eve and Adam ate the fruit - to keep us disconnected from God, ourselves, each other, the truth – in short, who we are created to be.

Shame is the feeling that something is inherently wrong with me.

Curt Thompson, M.D., in The Soul of Shame, talks about how shame entered the picture when Adam and Eve questioned God in the Garden of Eden. "…shame is not just a consequence of something our first parents did in the Garden of Eden. It is the emotional weapon that evil uses to (1) corrupt our relationships with God and each other, and (2) disintegrate any gifts of vocational vision and creativity. These gifts include any area of endeavor that promotes goodness, beauty, and joy in and for the lives of others…Shame is a primary means to prevent us from using the gifts we have been given. And those gifts enable us to flourish as a light-bearing community of Jesus followers who work to create space for others who wish to join it to do so. Shame, therefore, is not simply an unfortunate, random, emotional event that came with us out of the primordial evolutionary soup. It is both a source and result of evil's active assault on God's creation, and a way for evil to try to hold out until the new heaven and earth appear at the consummation of history," p. 13

So, what is it? Shame is a feeling deeply associated with our sense of self. It’s the feeling "Something is wrong with me; I am bad somehow." As opposed to guilt, on the other hand, is when I have done something against my values that may negatively impact someone else; e.g., "I DID something wrong/bad." If I am the problem, how do I fix that? If I believe something is inherently flawed in the fabric of my being, that feels more hopeless. That is shame.

If I've done something not in line with my values – was short-tempered with my kids or husband – that's guilt. That is adaptive and helpful; guilt that fits the facts helps keep us in line with our values, which is where we experience more peace, calm, joy, self-respect, and well-being. I will feel so bad about my behavior that I will work to repair the rupture and also make efforts to be able to behave differently in the future.

Shame, on the other hand, can feel like an uninvited, unexpected full-body hug from an ill-smelling stranger on a bus that won't let go.

It can hit after you've left a social situation and wonder if you said something dumb. It can sabotage efforts to go to an even event when you can't find something to wear. It can show up in our wondering whether we are ENOUGH – for whatever it is – parenting, your job, your relationships, keeping up with the home, feeding your kids things that don't have radioactive dye! The list goes on and on. Anything that shuts you down and convinces you something is deeply and irreparably wrong with you is a vehicle for shame.

So what do we do? How do we get free?

Here are some tips to get started:

• Spend time with God every day. Ideally at least 30 minutes, but do even 2 minutes if that's what you can do. Just get started! Connecting to your source of life and love daily will strengthen your ability to live from your true self, the glorious person you are created to be, which is the ultimate antidote to shame.

• Practice noticing and naming shame when it shows up

• Imagine catapulting shame to some far-away place where it can never find you

• Replace the shame message with something true – this can be TOUGH when you are drowning in shame. Identify true things about who you are BEFORE it attacks you. What does God say? You are his beloved; he knew you before he created the world; he sings over you; Jesus' light is the life in your soul. You can also write down meaningful things others have said to you about who you are.

 • Shake it out – literally. Move your body. Sigh AUDIBLY. For reals. Turn on some music and dance it out. Using our breath, movement, our voice can shift our physiology and help our whole being come back to regulation, where we can more easily access our Core Self – the best of who we are.

Try it out and let me know how it goes! Please let me know if you've found other tools that help punch shame in the throat!

Remember, you are loved and created to share God's love and beauty in ways no one else can.