A: This question comes up regularly in my office, and if you've ever asked it, you're not alone. It seems backwards, doesn't it? You'd think that after surviving difficult or traumatic experiences, feeling safe would be a relief. Instead, many people find that safety itself feels threatening.
Here's why this happens:
When life hasn't always been safe, your nervous system has learned to stay hypervigilant as a survival mechanism. Your brain has become expert at scanning for threats, staying ready to fight, flee, or freeze. These protective instincts have literally kept you alive.
But now, when you're in therapy or a healing season, your system is being asked to let its guard down. To someone who's survived trauma, this can feel terrifying. Safety requires vulnerability, and vulnerability feels dangerous when danger has been real.
The difference between physical and emotional safety:
You might be physically safe now—in a secure relationship, stable environment, or peaceful season of life. But emotional safety is different. It's your nervous system's ability to truly rest, to trust that you don't need to be constantly on guard.
This kind of safety develops slowly, in tiny steps. And that's exactly as it should be.
When intrusive memories feel like punishment:
Many trauma survivors experience intrusive thoughts or memories that feel like punishment for past actions or experiences. But these aren't punishment—they're your mind's way of trying to process and make sense of what happened. You're not being punished; you're healing.
Practical steps for learning to feel safe:
- Practice grounding techniques. When you feel overwhelmed, try feeling the couch beneath you, putting your feet firmly on the ground, breathing slowly, and reminding yourself "this will pass.
- Soak in small cues of safety. Throughout your day, intentionally notice moments when you are safe—the warmth of your coffee, a text from a friend, the quiet of your bedroom.
- Ask yourself with compassion: "What do I need right now?" When intrusive thoughts arise, respond to yourself like you would a hurt child—with gentleness, not criticism.
- Remember that regulation enhances protection. Learning to calm your nervous system doesn't make you vulnerable to threats—it actually improves your ability to respond effectively if real danger arises.
- Remember this Truth in God's Word: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." ~ Romans 8:1 (ESV)
Healing happens in tiny steps, and you're already taking them. Be patient and gentle with yourself as your system learns that it's okay to feel safe again.